#12 Yikes a month has gone by

Yeowsers, over a month has gone by since I posted. Sorry, life is just crazy right now, and I have been busy busy busy. But also maybe a bit taken back by everything that has been happening in the ups and downs of mom, that I have kind of pulled away from talking about it. Not just on here, but in person too. I've been a bit vague when speaking to people. I've been trying really hard to stay positive and strong, but it's getting a bit hard. Tons have people have expressed their love, and prayers and offered an open ear or shoulder to lean on, and I thank you all deeply.
So let's see, what has happened in the silent month? Mom was released from the hospital after 19 days with pneumonia. Less than a week later, she was readmitted to the hospital. She had pneumonia yet again. But that , hopefully, is all over. She has been home, which we all were looking forward to, especially my mom. She looks really really thin. I am not sure what she weighs, but I am going to guess 110lbs? For a person who is 6'1 that is mega thin. Her fistula is a gastly sight. The skin is now stretched around it, instead of it being hidden in her arm. She still presents herself well, but I think it is a bit deceiving for me, because I see her on a regular basis. So it is hard for me to see the drastic changes that appear to others, as I see the slight progress. So slight, it presents itself in out of the blue moments. The other day we went to a family function at my Uncle's house. Some people have seen her more recently than others, some live close, some live a thousand miles away. Recently she has developed a severe pain in her groin. So much so that she now requires help getting in and out of bed, up and down the stairs. On flat surfaces she is using a cane, and at home she is using a walker. Back to the story, dad parked the car as close to the door as he could, and she slowly got out of the car, and creeped her way to the door. It was a moment that seemed to slow down to slow motion...as we walked up to the glass doors, and the people inside realized we were there, I could see (even though it was completely a fleeting moment, and not that blatant) the shock in their eyes to see her in the frail and fragile state she is in. She and we all had a great time though. She devoured some Deviled Eggs ( 4 of them, which really equals 2 whole eggs, which I was like WHOA MOM, piggy piggy) This made me smile to see her eat so much. I know it doesnt sound like much, but I dont see her eat that much of anything. She usually eats ice chips and her power bars, plus she loves to nibble on cinnamon squares and creme horns. Unfortunately, due to her condition, she couldnt eat any of the other stuff that were there. We chatted, visited, laughed, and said our goodbyes. She lasted about 3 hours, which I didn't expect to be that long.
She hates not being able to be independent. She is fully reliant on my father, which he hands down does whatever she needs and wants. She worries too much. What she needs to worry about is herself, and not overdoing it. But if any of you have ever met her, you know, she is a strong woman. She still tries and goes and goes and goes. She doesn't vocalize her pain very often, she tries really hard not to show how weak she is. She cries when she gets in and out of bed, she is in a lot of pain. She went to see my uncle, who is a doctor today. He said it could be 2 possible things. First, it could be muscle related, but his expertise and my mom's health history, makes him believe that it is the second. (I can not remember the name of it, but I will post that when I ask and find out) His opinion based on the same symptoms she experienced a couple years back, her hip is rotting from the inside out and she will require another hip replacement. She had one for the other side already as I hinted to a couple sentences back. This made me very sad, sad for her. My heart just sunk. On Saturday they are going to do an MRI to see what a CAT scan couldnt. If she has to have a hip replacement, she will continue for even longer to be off the donation recipient list. :-( She needs a kidney more than a hip. At least she will live is she doesn't get a new hip, she will not if she doesn't receive a kidney. UGH it's like when the hell is this going to stop. Hasn't she suffered enough? When is she going to get her break? How many more things does she have to go thru? She is only 65 years old. It is really hard to see her suffer. I just don't know how long she can keep her spirit up. I am terrified of her giving up, I don't know how she does it. I see it getting hard for her too, to keep it up, and it scares me greatly seeing her slowly degrading.